I was thinking this week of how much I miss being married. Many memories came to mind and yet, the hard stuff seemed to get in the way. I was thinking of the grey and the cold and how fitting it was to my heart. I have felt cold and grey for some time now. Though I know the sun is behind the clouds and the grey, I was not rejoicing in what I couldn’t see, faith was waning. All I could see was shadow and bleakness. We’ve just passed the 2 year mark, and where has the time gone. It seems like yesterday. I often wonder if my beloved one will walk through the door after a long day of work. Oh how I miss that.
Where I live, it is definitely winter, we’ve had frost and cold creeps in under the door. I was out in my yard bemoaning the grey. I was really down. And what should I spy? Two sweet pink buds on the miniture rose bush. A flood of memories ensued. God painted my heart and mind with the love. Every November, my beloved would cut the stem of the last rose of the season and give it to me. Two years ago, my beloved one went to heaven in November, and I have missed those roses. When I found these 2 roses in December, of all things, I realized it was a sweet dear blessing. A reminder that even though the roses don’t come anymore the same way, that God is my husband now… and He will provide. He will provide even the little things. Those sweet special things that only a husband can share in. Like roses in winter. He gave me something only Chris and I would have shared. He did, after all, create the roses we shared, and Chris is, after all, in His arms. Maybe its a gift from him in the December of my grief. God knew my heart, He knew my need and He knew what would speak volumes to my heart. These wee pink flowers have said more than 100 “I love you’s” ever could.
This is a strange rambling, as I sit here at an ungodly hour, with a cold cup of tea and a breaking heart… but God is speaking in the winter of my grief, and these small pink treasures are a promise of hope that one day spring will come. And it will bloom in ways I cannot imagine. He got my attention… pulled me from my grey thoughts and painful ache… just long enough to press in and cause me to hope.