The Battle

How weary I have become these days… how much I still long for what I cannot have.  I battle face down in the mud, it would seem… my armor is covered in it and my sword seems to be buried somewhere in its depths.  I have thrashed around nearly standing only to fall again.  All the while, I am trying to protect my children… most of them, capable of wielding a sword and wearing armor, to fight alongside in the battles for our little family.  I finally make it to my feet, sword dripping with the slime of the enemy.  All I have is tears.  Tears streaking through the battle stains and slime of the enemy…. Tears washing away my distractions long enough to see my way clear to reach out for the hand that has appeared in the chaos a hand I long for and miss so much. Fingers touch, and then I realize he is gone…. Oh the one who introduced me to the King, the one who helped me to learn grace and mercy over condemnation and defeat, the one who God gave me to love and to cherish… parted from me… in death. Oh, this time… I had to accept reality.  Gone was the hand that firmly held mind…. this chaos was mine alone to battle through, or so I thought.  More tears cleared my vision, to see Jesus face mirroring mine. He too shed tears, and I could see he’d been in battle too. He held every tear I’d shed and through his own weeping I saw a smile.  I heard the words, “dear one” and saw him drawing closer to me.  And I reached again… and saw the scars on His hands.  Oh how hard it was… anxious that I’d never be held again. What if He wasn’t really there???  But I reached anyway, and I felt for the first time in so long, that firm and tender hand pull me up out of the mire, and His crushing embrace putting all my broken pieces into place. This battle ground, of mire and mud, is behind me for today, I stand on solid ground firmly embraced in the strong arms of Jesus.  There I weep for now, in heartache and pain… the loss of… my beloved husband, but He lovingly whispers in my ear, “joy comes in the morning.”

“I would have despaired unless I believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. ” Ps. 27:13 NASB

6 thoughts on “The Battle

  1. Such powerful and heartbreakingly beautiful truth! Thank you for being willing to share from the depths of your soul. God is using you to touch and encourage many who find themselves face down in the mud too weary to lift their sword. Thank you for lifting our heads to the One who holds us in His arms and freely gives us His strength. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can’t begin to imagine how you feel, in that I haven’t been in your particular situation… But who or what we’ve all lost, is always harder to face without God. And He does care, and He is always there for us. I hope you continue to battle on, making it through the mire… You are brave.

    Liked by 1 person

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