There will always be anniversaries. The nature of an anniversary being…. celebration, remembrance and honor. The response of an anniversary is joy, reminiscence, laughter and even tears.
When you lose someone close to your heart, you suddenly find life is one anniversary after another… little ones and big ones, even years later. Everyday you spent with them is suddenly a well-spring of memories celebrating time.
I cannot tell how many times I’ve been told I must get over my loss and move on, to do this would mean forgetting or erasing memories. Impossible! One doesn’t get over loss, they get through it one small step at a time. I no longer walk the pace of those around me and its caused many to think I’m not moving at all. My journey hasn’t been an obsession that blinds me to all the living going on around me, or a desire to hold on to sadness. I’m am keenly aware of the living going on around me, trust me… but I often walk with an ache and just can’t keep up like I used to. My process is not a hindrance that keeps me from moving forward, staying in the past and never take a step outside of it. However, the past plays a crucial part in my present and my future. Be assured the empty place isn’t so deep I’d do anything to fill it. My heart celebrates memories, like little anniversaries, whenever I think of Chris. Sometimes there is laughter in my soul and sometimes tears. These celebrations don’t mean I haven’t been living or taking steps on this journey or that I am stuck.
Though I wish a thousand things where different… mostly for my girl’s sake, I am content. I don’t need to run out there grasping at the first thing that helps me forget… I don’t need a temporary fix or anything to fill the empty spot. I just need what God’s Son has beautifully modeled, grace, patience, kindness and true friendship. My heart is mending, the scar will stay but the edges are no longer raw. I’m ok with how it looks right now, it’s an honor and gift to carry knowing I kept my promise to love and cherish in good times and bad, sickness and health until we had to say, “see you later.”
Today is a special day for 2 reasons. Twenty nine years ago I met the other half of my heart for the first time. I knew that day he was the one, sorry that may sound corny. And 7 years ago today, half of my heart had to resolve to say, “see you later.” Seven years ago, I was told cancer was terminal. I’m so thankful Chris lived out loud each day and didn’t let his soul’s fire die. I know I had something few understand, I know I had a gift I didn’t deserve and I know where it came from.
I’ve thought about and reread this post before I hit send. Doubting whether or not I should share it. But a small spark and whisper in my heart reminded me… my journey isn’t really mine. Chris didn’t get cancer for no reason. If my hearts words and his life encourage someone else or help someone to understand their not alone in their own hard journey, then being vulnerable here is worth it, every word. May my journey honor Chris’s memory and the One he is with in heaven.