A Handful of Mustard Seeds and a Bow of Bronze.

He said to them, “Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”
Matthew 17:20


He trains my hand for battle, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
Psalm 18:34

Many months I have spent away from my writing. The days have been full of transition… and yet… emptied of the passion that came from sharing and pouring out the words that painted pictures of my journey and helped me make sense of the impossible. I’ve found writing to be hard. Things that I loved so much seem difficult to do somehow. And so I wonder… what is it God is up to. And so, I write.

I’m still figuring it out. But I do know I miss the place I was. The place of total dependence on a God whose whispered his promises to a hungry heart. A place my ears heard, my mind was alert to His love and my eyes weren’t blinded by the distractions of life. A place I didn’t need to strive or control.

I’m no theologian that scholarly wise one who understands the depths of the Word of God in ways I am in the awe of. But every now and again I find profound meaning in what I read. I see things in the Bible I never realized before. Like the mustard seeds and the bow of bronze and how God connected them this week.

This week I pondered the impossibilities of my journey. How did I get this far? How did I survive a loss so life altering? And I halted right there… and realized how many times I used the word “I.” I didn’t do anything, God did it all. I didn’t survive, God carried me. I didn’t get here because of anything I have done. I haven’t arrived in a perfect place yet either, there is a lot of growth that still needs to happen this side of heaven.

For now I’m in the dark. Standing here, unsure, fearful and petrified. God whispers… “look in your hand.” My tightly balled fist opens slowly to reveal a handful of tiny seeds.. mustard seeds. He reminded me of this seed’s significance in His story. The mustard seed, when planted grows into pa mighty plant with a woody stock and head filled with seeds in hundred fold. As God draws my attention to the tiny handful of mustard seeds in my hand, He asks me to step out in the dark, hand full of seeds lifted high. God relates those seeds to faith. He only asks us to have a little faith, the size of a mustard seed, because he knows when it’s planted…. it will grow a strong plant and the faith that comes will be multiplied.

The journey of loss and the becoming someone I never wanted or dreamed I’d be… a widow… is a faith walk. Its battles fought in dark places, with enemies you can’t see. It’s battles lost with yourself and victories whose credit you cannot take. It’s a handful of mustard seeds that lead to the treasures found in darkness. In this dark place under his shadow I have found a valuable impossibility… the bow of bronze.

Imagine you are holding this impossible bow made of metal… and you are standing on the battlefield. It’s dark and dangerous, and the enemy isn’t far away. God whispers, “I’ve trained you, all your life experiences have equipped you to pull back the string of this weapon that seems impossible to wield and watch as I make it fly true.”

The impossibility of the smallest amount of faith and the bow that should be unbending… have pressed in on my heart. He doesn’t want my strength he wants my weakness to prove his strength in me. He doesn’t want me when I feel I have enough faith… he just wants my handful of mustard seeds to be planted so that my faith will grow a hundred fold.