My husband and I never talked of his dying… never said good bye and never lived like death was something to give into. Oh yes, there were moments of agony and defeat and doubt, but never a formal goodbye or giving up. It was the most difficult beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. Indescribable….
I may never have said good bye.. but I remember when he went to sleep.. and I knew, in my heart he may never wake… I whispered in his ear, Jesus loved him and that it was okay to stop battling and rest. I was shocked, he actually said “I know,”… he’d been so still for so long, but from the depths of who he was in Christ, he spoke. I asked him what Jesus was telling him, as I truly longed for assurances of heaven, and for peace in these last moments together. He said, “Jesus is telling me lots of things.” That was the last thing he said. The strange thing was… with all the people in the room, no one else heard it but me…
I wondered if it was real… but it was the enemy, he had entered my thoughts was trying to steal from me this one last precious treasure. The treasure that I had discovered in myself because of my beloved husband. It was a gift from God through the humility and honesty of my beloved, that underneath this rough stone, there was a diamond shrouded. It was formed over these many years of living in the pressures of the heat and fire; living in the adversity of this world; living in the tremendous challenge of death’s dark corners.
My beloved husband saw this value under all the rubble I was buried under and protective veil I wore and shroud I covered myself with. He gifted me with His love… not perfect love, but unconditional love, beyond the fires of Hell. He was used by God. A healthy relationship taking me out of the heat… and over the years and all its challenges, I have been cooling. The day he said these last words… the grey, stony, outer layer cracked. His words ushered me in to see a glimpse of heaven… and through that deep crack… something began to sparkle. The rubble and veil and shroud, could not hide this light. I believe my husband finally saw it, and knew what I wouldn’t begin to understand for sometime. He was faithful to be used by God in helping me leave the fire kilns at the outskirts of Hell…. to seeing heaven and sharing it’s brilliance with me… so that the light of it would shine from this crack in my stony places. His words gave me a glimpse of heaven. I knew that he was going to live again, free of his cancer ravaged body. My husband changed my life.
One of the facets this treasure revealed was… my value. Under all that this world can pile upon us, and bury us under… there is a diamond of great value. Though shrouded by a veil of pain… it is still… not to be hidden. For my beloved husband and the great love of my Savior I will go forward and allow the outer layer to be painfully and patiently removed.
I pray, in time, that the stone gray shroud of a widow’s painful loss, will reveal more facets… and that I may shine, someday, for the one who gave them as a gift to counter the darkness and reveal the beauty that has been hiding there waiting. Aw… waiting for the Great Bridegroom of my heart, the one whom my beloved husband stands beside today, to lift the veil that has hidden the diamond facets of my face. And… in lifting this veil, I will know, truly know God is my husband, the Lover of my soul, the giver of all good gifts and the redeemer of the broken heart.
This was also published on Hope for Widows.