In processing and working through pain and agony as a widow, I have been blessed to get to know many of you here. This is a gift I treasure.
Today, I miss my beloved. Half my heart is missing and the hole it left… is still there. But this post is how I feel and how I process my mourning. God is not finished with me yet.
This is an edited, excerpt of a note I sent to a dear new friend. The raw and uncensored pages of grief.
Our story… part of it any way. The provision chapter.
Chris was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer, melanoma of the colon, after a routine surgery in May 2014. The outlook for treatments was grim. At best they gave us a year. We trusted God to heal, but walked through a valley shadowed with many ghostly faces of unknowns and challenges. Chris had a life altering surgery in June 2014. And 4 weeks later began a harsh daily treatment of I.V. chemotherapy. After this treatment month he went to 3 days a week of treatment. He was sick, but was a light and a trooper. However, not right away, understandably so, he had days of deep depression and discouragement to work through. As we all did I suppose. We held on to hope, and fought hard, physically and on our knees. Often taking turns being down and sad. After two long months of treatment, a P.E.T. scan was done to see if the chemo had helped. And they discovered the cancer was spreading. He now had spots on his lungs and liver; a brain scan was ordered. And it was now stage 4 cancer. We were so discouraged. There was a newer treatment available, but we just were not sure. I knew in my heart, he would have to await that healing in heaven, God had been preparing me for several months. From the middle of October to the first of November, he went downhill fast. Then he was hospitalized for a week. Oh, but the beautiful ministry he had there. Though it was an awful experience, he was spiritually stronger then he’d ever been. I was in awe. His only concern was that others know his Jesus. And many knew Him better because of Chris that week. We went home with hospice care. Those last seven days were the best days of our marriage. I experienced heaven through the eyes of my dying husband, in a way that has left me longing for it everyday since. Oh that others could see and surrender to the love of our Jesus. The day before Chris passed, my eighteen year old daughter was baptized in our bathtub by Chris and our pastor. Chris was an amazing warrior and witness, of who you can be when Christ is in you. His inner man, knew God deeply. Chris passed peacefully in his sleep November 14, 2014 as the sun was coming up.
This walk through my life, is painted with tremendous and amazing blessings. I hope you can see that. Never once were we without our physical, financial, emotional or spiritual needs met. Every bill was paid. Debts were forgiven. Lives were changed. Chris died, with the knowledge that each of his daughters would see him in heaven someday. And I learned what is really important.
Friends, old and new, never underestimate the power of a living God in a dying world.