Grief is like a part of my being. I know it as well as the back of my hand. It has often looked back at me as a reflection in the mirror. I got up in the morning, sat and had my coffee with Grief. Mind you, it was uninvited and most of the time… very unwelcome. I went to bed and there grief sat waiting for me to awaken in the night or wee hours of the morning. Demanding my every waking hour, and even some of my midnight dreams. Grief often looked like a stealthy hawk pensively waiting for its prey to become vulnerable. But other times, in rare moments, it looked a bit lost… like a small sweet bird with a broken wing and a very sad song to share. Grief and I have been well acquainted these past 3+ years, and I have often compaired it to an annoying little brother that followed me around… a shadow, asking a million questions I haven’t all the answers for.
But more recently, I have come to look upon grief differently. I still feel it follows me everywhere and it’s as much a part of me as the eyes in my face… but… it’s become softer. Grief sits beside me… melancholy and almost as if it is a friend. I don’t resent its presence as I once did. It doesn’t have the eyes of a hawk very often anymore. More often, I find it looking into my eyes with tears of tenderness and a longing to help me see it doesn’t want to cause me pain. But rather, wants to help me see the depth of my love. I see its reflection in my mirror, but grief is camouflaged by contentment’s gown and hidden in its folds…. unexplainable peace. Grief has wrapped its arms about my heart, we embrace somehow knowing there is hope. The edges, where half my heart was unwillingly removed, are not raw and bleeding but have seen healing. There is still a hole, and always will be… but grief sits quietly at its edge now. Grief and I will always be together… but grief will be encouraged in joy, in hope and in the unconditional love in spite of moments of pain.
This is just a quiet reflection on where grief and I are just now.