Recently, I was conversing with a dear widow sister concerning a “shift” in my journey. Such a significant change, I could pinpoint the moment it happened. As a widow, I’ve become very sensitive to change. I tried to describe just what it was like to be in this shift. As I did, I saw a picture being painted on my heart and mind.
It was as if I was being lead away from the familiar place of aching sadness, intense pain and deep loneliness…. into a place of nothingness. “Nothingness” in the most positive sense of its meaning. A place where there was simply nothing. Nothing pulling me or haunting me, nothing pressing on my heart and soul, nothing demanding my guard to be up and my “I’m ok” face to be on, nothing whispering lies or deceiving me in my grief, nothing… just quiet and stillness.
It was like being in a restful, quiet room. Blank white walls, a closed white door, nothing could be seen from the windows but the sun shining through them in pure white beams. This place is not scary nor is it a place of busyness. It’s a place void of emotional decisions and the negative, self depreciating thoughts that have accompanied my loss. The white makes it seem like something new and fresh is filling the air and that there is a sense of wonder and mystery… but no need to explore it or come to a conclusion about it. This shift became a sense of contentment in the stillness… where guessing and planning and dreaming fade.
I was unnerved by the blank feeling at first. Wondering if I was going crazy. But realized it was something good and necessary. I was being moved and transformed so that I could best view something, something that for now was developing and didn’t need to be pursued. With all the distractions and demands and chaos of grief it had been very hard to see where I was going. I know God was allowing a shift in my journey… and I know I am not abandoned in this still place. Before you write this off consider this, we do not know the end from beginning…. we only really walk with light enough to see a few steps at a time. Running ahead of the light He provides, leads to heartache and darkness.
I am looking at a blank page…. waiting quietly for God’s direction His words that will flood that page. I am standing in a white room… eagerly anticipating His inspiration and the colors that will come of it and be splashed upon the walls of this place he has me in for now.
Following this obvious shift in my journey, I found myself looking at this white page…. possibilities flooded my mind… all this simplicity and newness spoke to my once very cluttered soul. I revelled in the stillness and wondered at it. Several tender events God gave me, lead to my wanting the very first splash of color and with it a glimpse of hope in this new place. Perhaps one day I would see something more through that window…. sunrise color flooding this stillness. And maybe one day I’d see the door open, revealing honest tenderness as it splashes white walls with joyous color. These blank pages where words run together like a powerful river… unstoppable, refreshing, and with the ability to lead thirsty hearts to the rivers source… to the Master of its riotous, melodic and artistic course. Words indelable… permanatly pressed into the purity of those empty pages. Pages waiting to be written upon by God, with me as His scribe.
The place where nothingness becomes newness is waiting for His thoughts not mine.
For he looks to the ends of the earth and sees everything under the heavens. Job 28:24