Pondering the amazingness, craziness of motherhood and parenting. I was thinking, of all the many things that consume my time…. parenting tops the list. Sometimes I feel isolated in all the busyness, I just don’t have the energy to reach out though I really want to. Like a hybernating mother bear, I am reserving energy season by season, just to get my girls through the most challenging circumstances and events of their young lives. They have all of me most of the time.
Soon my children will leave my house and begin living their own lives. My identity could be in jeopardy of crisis. “Life,” is defined by change, nearly as constant the oceans tides. I have reached that moment when a mom asks herself, “who am I?” My relationship with Jesus… does it run strongly enough through the cracks and breaks… to fill in the gaps and make a firm foundation to stand on in times like this? God reminds me… I am befriended by the Son of God, I am daughter of the King all glorious within and I am filled to brimming with God’s Spirit and the power to stand against all the evil and sadness of this world. All this resides in a fragile clay vessel, called being human. But… I still ask who I am. This world strives to define, or tries to… by accomplishments, who we associate with, what we are involved in and how much we are doing. In the world’s eyes I am widowed, a single mom living off social security, who should be getting a job, making something of herself or finding a new husband (yes, I have encountered this). This worldly stigma has handicapped my gifts and talents and crushed my spirit, making me feel useless and second rate. Countless times I have allowed the world’s definition of who I should be, become more important than God’s defining image in me, realizing truth must counter my feelings. Whose to say I am not doing anything of importance. I pray my being a present mom, who prays for her children that they’d love the Lord with all their hearts, raising them to love one other, to find their god-given gifts and talents and use them to change their corner of the world… is not a waste and means something. God knows my heart. I need to learn be concerned about honoring Him and not man’s opinion.
This dark valley, the valley of the shadow of death, has so many paths winding through it. But only one way in and one way out. Death and loss were the doors that opened in front of me. Three and a half years ago I walked in unwillingly and they shut behind me with a resounding thud. I have never been the same. Since, I have walked an undefined and very narrow path with only enough light for the step in front of me. In the valley, God is showing me there’s more inside than loss and darkness or the world’s definition of who I need to be. For now… I need to be mother, daughter, sister and friend… using what He’s placed inside me to honor Him and Him alone.
God doesn’t waste tears, circumstances or valley steps. I may be quiet to the point of seeming distant, I may seem lazy because I am not in the workforce, I may not do what anyone believes I should…. but I am living and savoring every step. Praying that I do not miss the place God needs me most.