The depth of the journey through pain and loss cry out in anguish to be numbed somehow. God, in His great wisdom, pours out His love mercifully as a gift that soothes the initial hurt and shock. God pours out a temporary numbing of sorts. Wrapping me tightly in the protection of a cocoon, knowing just how much I can handle and just how much will push me over the edge. But, in His infinate wisdom… He hasn’t allow me to remain in this place, hidden away forever. The cocoon He holds me in is temporary, a safe place to undergo transformation and to get used to becoming someone I am decidedly unsure of. As time goes by, God allows the gift of pain relief to wear off. He coaxes me in a tender whisper, “it is time, dear one, to come out of the cocoon to look upon reality and see the world through new eyes. ” Emerging, without the aide of that numbness, into this new reality is overwhelming. I just want to crawl back into safe darkness and never emerge. But the growth He’s caused in the cocoon doesn’t allow me to crawl back in easily. That’s when I cry out for relief from the painful process of becoming a person I never was. God looks into my frightened face, at a person more like Jesus and less like who I was, and smiles. His tenderness and provision for every painful step, proves His promise to never leave or forsake those He called beloved. I am reminded in that moment… that He is my husband.
When I seek numbing of my own making in busyness, in things that temporarily cause me forget the process I am working through, things that distract me from hope and eternity…. a hardness seeps into and over my heart. I feel very little, hope becomes fleeting and I live a life that limits me to mere existence. Death the greatest loss I have ever known, incited a loneliness void of words but… abundantly filled with picture upon my mind, crushing, incurable heart ache, pain so excruciating I wanted death and secondary losses almost unendurable.
I have found that this need to hide and numb has caused me to forget who I am. I have forgotten to look at the tears in the cocoons gossamer fabric, and wonder. I have forgotten to search my heart and know my God, my Husband has given a gift. This gift has prevented me from crawling back in the confines of the rags I called my home. I no longer fit, it’s walls are torn and thin and I grew out of it. When taking the time to look back I see two sets of wings. One pair casts a shadow over me. It covers me in the depth of His warm and protective love. The second pair hang limply from my own back. Surprised I wonder what new places He will send me.
I am on my way back to the home of my heart. Seeking the emotions that carved upon my heart this new person. A butterfly emerged from that place of protection from harsh reality. I sit here on a branch, a place overlooking a vast unknown place. One moment I am eagerly anticipating what is out there to discover and one day I will. The next moment I have anxious thoughts and long for the days of the tight embrace of the cocoon.
I’ll be called one day to open my wings and use them. The gifts and talents I have are not my own, but to be shared. I pray that God shows me where I am needed most.