Compelling Thoughts

The pressing thoughts that are rushing in to be expressed, are suddenly silenced and stand motionless.  The presence of something greater is compelling reverence and attention.

Anxious thoughts, stand with breath abated… as peace floods in drowning her in love and grace.  Whispering that the story is not over.  The doubtful thoughts, stand frozen in mid-stride… tears run warm and freely down her cheeks.  Those tears melt the frozen heart of those thoughts and seep deeply into her hardest places.  Love melts winter’s power and spring blossoms begin to appear from thoughts of snow and ice.  The hopeless thoughts, lay on her floor, too weary to get up, too sad to care and too weak to fight.  Love’s arms envelop these thoughts empowering her to stand, to be strengthened and to know joy.  Oh the grief thoughts, they cause her to feel abandoned, empty and defeated. But love stands guard, ready to be a companion and friend, ready to fill to overflowing, and willing to usher in victory after victory.

Love is this presence that compels powerful thoughts, demanding reverence. A deep love, a love that never gives up, a love that commands attention.

We only get a glimpse of this love in our finite minds… it is too much for us to fathom.  So, love’s author paints windows on our souls.  In my life, the window was my beloved best friend, my husband, the gift God used.  He was the best taste of heaven’s love I will ever know… here on earth.  An example of what it is to love in spite of brokenness.  My dear husband saw into my heart through the the cracks I tried to mortar shut.  With anxiety, I patched a broken heart and I hoped he wouldn’t see and at the same time I hoped he wouldn’t stop loving me. I didn’t stop mortaring there… I filled shames cracks with doubt.  Somehow thinking, foolishly, that this self doubt would disguise hidden hurts… my husband knew all too well.  I covered the tiny holes and empty places with hopelessness.  This mortar was noticed though, my husband must have had to go to Jesus a thousand times to ask for Him to break through, so he could envelop me in true love, not in his strength, but with Jesus’ arms.  And then… there was no more mortar.  I’d finally run out of excuses for the cracks.  The mortar began to break apart.  As it fell away, my raw soul was revealed.  My beloved husband finally saw the real me… and God’s loving child, my husband, held me closer, then he ever could before, as the mortar kept getting in the way.  I stood there in a pile of pieces of fake soul covering mortar pieces, in the arms of my best friend, the one whom I shared a heart with.  And for the first time, I felt our hearts beat as one.  He held me in a Jesus embrace so tightly all the cracks were pressed together.  Now scars are all that remain.  All that is left now… is the compelling thoughts of grief.   But these do not come with mortar.  Nothing can patch the new cracks that appeared the day he embraced me for that last time.  A crack of loneliness remains.  A crack of sadness is very deep today.  And there is a crack weeping endless tears that constantly flow.  Jesus used my beloved to be a living breathing example of love.   I wouldn’t know love, if Jesus hadn’t introduced us so long ago.

And so, I am compelled to exclaim His goodness, that now lives in me.  Because Jesus embraced me one day with my husband’s love.  A love without conditions or expectations.  Now I recognize Jesus embrace.  And one day, as death whispered in the air, my beloved one asked Jesus to embrace me together again, to hold me so tight that the pieces, that had begun to fall, would be held together just a little longer.  As his weary hand held mine, and words became slow, I was crushed tightly in Jesus love.  When he whispered,  “Jesus is telling me so many things.”  I was compelled to think I was empty.  But my husband wasn’t done.  He stood and wrapped me around his heart in an embrace that will forever be branded into all of who I am.  I feel it yet today, because it was Jesus.  And he said, “I am dancing with you.”  A dance that carried me to the throne of Jesus.

Jesus gave me love.  May I never mortar the scars again.  May I forever wear them with grace and humility, as emblems of the depth of love God blessed me with.

That last few days, I was able to hold him so tightly, in Jesus, so that his pieces were held together.  And we reminded each other of who we were and who lived in us and held us together.  Two hearts made one… in the light of Jesus that shone from the scars and cracks.  Raw, real and mortar free.  Nothing hindering love, Jesus held us together that last night.  And when He finished painting the morning dawn a lovely shade of pink, He awakened me.  I rose, from sharing the wee hospital bed at my beloved’s side all night, and sat at his side.  Whispered in his ear,”Jesus loves you. It’s ok, Jesus will hold us both.”  His last breath was peaceful.  And half my heart left my body, and it waits for me in heaven.

These thoughts are so compelling… I am drawn into their arms…  new thoughts hold me captive.  Love, holds me all together in a tight grip.  I will not fall.  Jesus has sent His embrace to touch my heart, and press the scars.  He reminds me of the day the mortar fell away.  The day that He sent His servant, my husband to pray me through the valley, so that I could do the same for him as he battled cancer.

Jesus, thank you, for this vision of your deep gracious love.

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