After 15 months, 2 weeks and a handful of hours and minutes … I still have moments when I wonder if it is ok to miss Chris this much… but fact is, I do very much. Please be patient with me as I travel this unprepared-for journey.
One thing those who haven’t lost a spouse or significant loved one, may not understand is that the second year is one of deep reality checks, agonizing steps and great growing pains. And is, in many ways harder than the first year, as the abundant support and relationships have gone back to their lives, as it should be, but the one missing half a heart still aches as much as the first day. The deep gapping wound now a scar, no longer bleeds and oozes, but remains visible to the one mourning loss each time we look in the mirror called life. It’s pain still comes in waves, both drowning and just toe-tickling. Its agony still presses on the render places. No longer numb or able to numb ourselves enough to not feel the pain, we are now in the throes of thoughts, whether true or exaggerated, that we are now a single parent, single person, abandoned, lost, useless purposeless, all alone and an army of one. These thoughts can, as I mentioned before true or not, isolate us from circles we were once in. They remove us from relationships we once had or just change them. And they can send us down roads where we have to guard against depression, desperation, pride helplessness and hopelessness.
I am not asking for anything, just that you know and see, this person you have called friend… is still your friend, just a friend being transformed to adapt to a new world requiring new skill sets. And this process is all consuming, at times, but not meant to be exclusive. And certainly not to make excuses for the extra effort needed just to do normal.
It is ok to “butt-in,” ask whatever you like or talk about Chris (I love that). I will not break, I may cry, but I will know you care deeply and that I am not alone in this life-altering journey…
God has been good, even in this process. I have and will “stand on His promises” and “lean on His everlasting arms.”