It is not an easy place this journey through losses we do not understand. We’ve been told that someday we will and someday we will be wrapped in his love. For now, our humanity struggles to grasp it all, to still know we have purpose and a calling on our lives and to live our lives in such a way, that others might know Him in spite of the pain. To be human in this world, is to know weakness, defeat, frailties, doubt, fear, pain, tears, heartache and weariness. But Jesus says, “I have overcome the world.” And, if Christ is in us, then… we have the power living inside us, to overcome through Him and through His incredible goodness. Not to say, we will never experience human deficiencies, but that we will always have a place to run to. This place, in His arms, at His feet and close to His heart, is where the strength comes from… to walk through fire, famine, desert, storms, tidal waves and all manner of defeating places. The enemy is crushed under our feet, our prayerful knees, and our hearts deepest love.
Loss is a place where we have no choice but to lean hard and cry out. Oh, this being a fragile, vulnerable creation can be such a difficult place. In my own life, I have learned that all of the humanity I live inside of, and all the weaknesses and fragile places of my circumstances, truly put me in a place where I do not have anywhere else to go but… Jesus feet. As hard and as dark as it is just now… I have never prayed more for direction and purpose, leaned more on Jesus and His word, hoped more and desired a relationship with our Heavenly Father more. Yes, I am at the end of myself, the darkness is really dark, the weariness is overwhelming and the pain is well… crushing my heart. But I’ve experienced His promises and the truth of who He is. In a place of depth, where everything else seems superficial and trivial.
“I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds my hand.”
I have avoided writing, it was too hard, I had nothing inside of me. And what was there, I didn’t dare let out. Being real is a struggle. I wondered what this painful place was going to do to me and all at once began to have a daydream, of sorts. A beautiful picture, complete with all the elements I have missed for so long…. was painted across my eyes, heart and soul….
Jesus took His great hands, though I couldn’t really feel them, and cupped my face. There was warmth and I could almost feel His breath, as He laid His blessed kiss upon the weary lines of my forehead. There was peace in my heart and tears ran freely from my eyes. His hands… great,powerful, work-worn hands… caught each one. And their form… was no longer liquid, but shone brightly in a hundred different shades of emotion and color… like tiny, teardrop shaped gems. And they slipped through His fingers and fell into a great glass bottle. Reminding me, that not one is lost or wasted, each one of great value and important enough to Him to hold as at treasure. Jesus lifted my head, one hand under my chin… and the love that lit His eyes, left me longing for heaven. Not a word was spoken, but volume upon volume could have been written of the grace and goodness I saw there. Almost without realizing it, my first instinct was to reach out, to grasp His hands in mine and hold on, with a desperation for survival. I felt the ragged scar on each palm and knew those were supposed to be mine. My heart began to hear His voice, deep and tender… He whispered, “I will never abandon my bride, you are mine, let me walk beside you, I know your pain and discouragement, you are my beloved one and I am your first love…” on and on He whispered blessings upon blessings. And just before I fell asleep, He promised to do the same for my daughters. And I knew I was loved, that He truly was husband to the widow and Father to the fatherless. I share my heart only for encouragement, not attention.
Loss has become an unwelcome visitor in my home, walking in when it wanted and making chaos and havoc in its wake. Where do we go from here? Well… we take one step at a time, His great hand in our small weak ones. Confident He who began a good work in us, will finish it to completion.