In hopes that I might see my loving Savior in my steps, that I’d begin to grasp life from the depths of this grieving place… I’ve decided to write letters to heaven. When I miss my beloved one most and when I am searching for Jesus’s hand in the dark… I will send a letter to heaven, written with the ink of my tears on the empty pages of my heart.
Dear beloved one and Savior who holds him,
I was remembering when you got sick. There was a mourning dove who began to sing that day. It sang just outside the bedroom window. I didn’t really pay too close of attention to it then. But as we began to spend more hours in that room, so that you could rest, I recognized that little bird was singing everyday, all day long. As I watched over your sleep, that wee bird sang to me and I came to count on her faithful song.
Soon, I became so busy with loving you through cancer, that I didn’t pay attention. I was focused on every moment we had with you. In the back of my mind, I recall fragments of her song, at night as I was wrestling with sleeplessness. That last week we were never far from each other’s sides, wordless conversations and volumes said with your hand in mine and your eyes looking into heaven. In these last days, she sang, it seemed like non-stop. Every time the darkness crept in her song was there. It was the strangest, yet more comforting experience. As you battled the frailty of your earthly body, with the blessing of knowing you were a child of God, there was a supernatural, heaven inspired peace that wrapped our home in its wings. The little dove, she reminded me of God’s faithfulness to give us “peace that passes understanding.”
Beloved, you became bolder and your faith became stronger as your body began to say “goodbye” to earth and “hello” to heaven. Our little mourning dove sang us awake every sunrise and as you slept at night. One day, as the sky was painted pink and gold, you took Jesus hand. Leaving behind the mourning dove’s song and welcoming the songs of angels. But the mourning dove sang all day to me. I remember laying on my bed, numb, sad and so tired; and I listening for her soft coo.
God blessed me with the peaceful song for three months; as I remembered you, as I cried for my loss and broken heart and as I got up every morning with tear stains on my face. It was as if she mourned with me. May sound silly.
Then one day, she flew away. I missed her sad sweet song and faithfulness like the sunrise each morning. But then God, you whispered, “I am here.” And I knew who brought the peace I’d experienced those many months, the dove was just a reminder of the memories of our journey and what faithfulness meant.
All the while, I miss you beloved one, but I know you want me to grasp Jesus hand and get up everyday allowing Him to lead the way as we once did when you were here. I know you’d encourage me to lean hard on Jesus arm and kearn the steps of this new dance well. So that when I get to heaven someday, I wouldn’t skip a beat, He’d place my hand back in yours and I’d know the steps. So, dear one, I am practicing, though the new steps are complicated and difficult to learn. I know Jesus leads me well and loves me more then I could imagine. I miss you, but know you are saving me a dance. So, I am determined to be ready for it, when I get there.
Jesus hold him for me. Deliver my letter. Help him know I love him still. Keep leading me in the steps. And thank you for the mourning dove and each gift you have sent to me to help me be more and more like you.