Quite often our bodies begin the grieving process, around significant dates before our minds register. We will get sick, have no energy, feel fuzzy in the head, well before our mind puts two and two together. This is where I am at in the journey.
I’ve rounded a bend in the road; encountering the scene of the end of something so significant, so woven into the grain of who I am and so a part of my very heart beat that my breath is taken away. Not only is it that, but it is also the point of a new beginning, and I am coming close to the one year anniversary. One whole year, how can it be? A place where forever and just moments ago collide. It shakes who I am becoming and makes the ground of the next few steps close to impossible to traverse.
In this place I have found a bench, a resting place in green pastures and I have to… just sit. God placed the “bench” there with greater purpose then I could ever know. He knew I’d be weary right about now, though only steps from that anniversary. I have no choice but to stop, and succumb to the tears and the depth of this unimaginable chapter of grief. The “bench” is big enough for two, I have shared one like it before, and I am reminded of who I used to share places like this with. It all flashes before my eyes, with sparks, shadows and deep longing. I once sat here with my beloved best friend and soul mate, now I find, as I sit here, the Lover of my soul has joined me here. Not to replace my best friend, but becoming a husband to the widow. Yes, He was there before heaven parted and my beloved was healed. He stood before us, His great scarred hands on our shoulders. Strengthening us for each step, the beautiful and the difficult alike. Now He gently holds my best friend in a heavenly embrace, and compassionately invites me to crawl into his great arms, arms that have spanned a cruel cross, and truly know comfort. Once I choose to be there, I know He will lift my grieving body, heart and soul intact and… carry me the rest of the way, through a very difficult anniversary. Whispering greater love then I have ever known. He is the Keeper of tears and Mender of broken places, heart, soul and mind. He holds me tighter as each new step approaches and prepares the path ahead. Gathering the saints, brothers and sisters together, for support and care for such a time when I can walk again. He provides every need, and then some. All this, so that I do not have to worry about a thing and can concentrate on my steps. He paints the sky, encrusts in frost, sprinkles with rain and dew, blows the clouds into whimsical pictures and peppers the sky with diamond stars. So, we will have beauty and remember His gifts… all of creation. This helps paint a portrait of my beloved one, on the corners of my mind, that will far outweigh the difficult memories. It helps me watch for the precious gifts He is going to pour out. He promised to care for the widow and the fatherless and He hasn’t broken a promise yet.