What I Wish You Knew

I was feeling sorry for myself this morning.  I am human.  Was thinking of how much I have lost, instead of how much I still have and what I have been provided with. Oh these moments are not pretty, but perhaps God can use them.  I have lost, in my thought process, more then my best friend and beloved husband.  The way I am viewing it just now, I have lost dear friendships as well, or seen a deep change in them.  There are two sides to every relationship, I realize my responsibility hasn’t been kept up as well as I wish I could.  My ability to reach out is not what it used to be.  So… I am writing a letter.  What I wish you knew…..

Dear friends, my life has taken me down a road I never would have chosen.  Some days I can seem fairly normal, smiling, laughing and engaging in conversation; but please understand, it is often so that you are not uncomfortable being around me.  To ease the awkwardness, if you will.  Most days, I fight just to get out of bed, to eat, to care for my children and to get through a day.  Yes, even nearly a year later.  God’s grace is enough, but that doesn’t mean it is easy, that was never promised.  I often wish I could reach out and be the person I once was, but friend, I cannot, just now.  If I reach out, please know it has been with great effort, it has taken reserves I had to store up for some time and it is often with the feeling of being torn between my family and need to have friends.  Please, please do not misinterpret my silence or lack of reaching out as something you’ve done or take it personal.  I am just barely making it in the four walls of my home.  It takes all I have to keep up with my children and their grieving needs, if there is anything left I try to use it to work through my own grief. So, I can get up the next day and do it all over again.  Please do not feel sorry for me, I am still your friend and it means a lot when you take the time to reach out even under these painful circumstances.  Friend, it must be hard, even awkward, to continue to be my friend as half of me is now missing.  But I assure you, I am still mostly me.  God is working on me and transforming me, please be patient in the process.  No, I will probably not be the same person, I am sorry, but… I still consider you my friend.  And, when you reach in, in spite of my circumstances, I understand it is with great effort and even hard, but… thank you for doing so.  I need your friendship as much as I ever did, and in time there will be more of me to go around. I pray I can, one day, be the friend you need as well.  This not directed at any one person.  I just realized how important it is to communicate, instead of feeling sorry for myself.  Many have reached in, circumstances aside, and in doing so, have made me feel welcome to reach back.  For your patience, I am grateful.  I am blessed to have friendship and fellowship, that God provides even when I am lonely and incredibly sad.  Friends, please know how very much God has blessed me with you!

With love,

Your friend

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