It’s the wee hours of the morning again. I seem to be old friends with this time of day. No manner of aid or routines seem to change this. I supose this is the nature of grief. Grief… is an unpredictable thing. Like waves of the ocean. You know when the tide will come in, but you never know how fast or hard it may hit the shore.
I used to live in fear of the next wave of dark grief. Afraid to go out, afraid to go to church, afraid to be me; for fear of that next wave and how it might leave me and how I might come across when I couldn’t control the emotions that came out of me. This became old and I was lonely, something had to change. Thought I was afraid of that change, it was necessary for life.
Still caught in the strong current of this emotional tide, still under the dark waves of grief. But… every now and again the tide brings me in to the shore. Though I crawl there, looking like a drown rat, soaked with a thousand painful tears and gasping for some kind of normal breath, I enjoy those peaceful walks on the beach. I take in a sunset and revel in the vibrant colors, even if it is just for a little while. The beach walks… well… sometimes they are very short, and the waves take me where it is dark again. And then… sometimes the beach walks last a few days and I am encouraged as I leave many footprints on the sand.
God, my Father in heaven, you know where I am even when I cannot find my way throught these dark waters, to the surface. You said I cannot go anywhere where you cannot find me. I am not lost, thank you God. Please be my rock, when I need a solid firm place to put my feet. My anchor when the waves toss me about. And the lighthouse when it is so dark. I am weary, each day of the darkness and the unpredictable waves this process brings.
James 1:2-4, 12, 17 ESV
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,  for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.  Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.  Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.