(2 Samuel 22:29) For you are my lamp, O LORD, and my God lightens my darkness.
“The dark is closing in and I just cannot see. Did you hear my heart beating tonight? How it thunders and storms at this loss. Did you see the tears on my face? Thousands fall like rain upon this empty place in my heart. Have you encountered my screaming soul and desperate thoughts? As, days produced weeks and months of loneliness. Were you here when I fell into despair? A pit so deep I haven’t found its bottom. Do you understand every silent dream and have you counted the times I have wished for one more day to hold his hand? It seems unreal still as I look for something to hold onto. So many questions in the dark, so many tears in the night. Too much pain.
I have been reaching out my hands in front of me and trying to feel something, anything familiar. Where are you, Father? The silence has been pressing in, smothering me in its stillness. This dark place… called grief. One step in front of another. Oh Father do you see who depends on me? I wonder, if you see me, and know me, how can this burden be bearable? I want to drop this load, but I can’t even see my way to your throne.”
And then….. an answer from heaven….
“This way my beloved, follow my voice, reach for my hand. You are not lost, you are just learning your way. When you think you are lost, call me. When it is dark, ask for light. When you are weary, ask for me to carry you. I am here.”
My heart responds….
“I don’t want to be a widow. It is to painful. Please take this ache. Everything reminds me of my beloved.”
And He says….
“It is my burden, I hurt with you. Soon I will take all that hurts it is part of the curse of sin. Until that day, lean, lean hard. Listen as I whisper your name and send my comforter to your heart. In this world there are many trials, but I came to overcome the world. Death has no power over you, it took your beloved temporarily, you will know each other again, you will see me and I will see you. Tears abolished, fear crushed, death slain and pain removed forever. Just hold on a little while longer. Here… is my light, hold it well, never hide what I place in your hand, on your heart and on your tongue. Heaven awaits its beloved ones, the angels surround your beloved. I will, keep my promises, today and everyday.”
And I curl up and weep… and cry out….
“How amazing you’d keep even this sparrow from falling. I am thankful, for your provision. Just enough for today. Gathered up in the loving arms of my Savior, and sheltered in the violence of griefs storms. A rock in the shifting, unpredictable sands of this desert. I do not deserve your blessing, but you pour it out anyway. In spite of great loss, you have shown me where I have grown and gained. I do not like traveling this road without my beloved, but I know I am not alone. Please help me fight lies, conquer the defeating thoughts and shine your light.”