Am thinking, well that is an understatement, I am always thinking overly so most of the time, about how difficult and amazing this journey through loss is and can be. Difficult, well that is not a very hard thing to understand. What is easy about loss, anyway? But in light of amazing, that… is much harder to grasp. It is such an abstract concept. And goes against our humanity. We were never designed, originally, to experience death and loss.
As I was sitting in church today, without my best friend and only one of my four daughters. I realized, firstly, how terribly alone and small I felt. But then, I also realized how close God was in that very moment of powerful emotions. I could almost feel Him enveloping my heart and almost hear Him tenderly counting my many tears, one by one. I was standing in service, singing “Great is Thy Faithfulness,” (my best friend’s favorite song) it was just God and myself. Tears, oh my yes… and then… there was joy. My heart was aching and rejoicing at the same time. This became my definition of what amazing means.
That is the amazing grace part of loss. When today, I was done, done with grief and missing half of my heart, done being a mom and trying to encourage my girls the way I know I should be, done with this ache and loneliness, done holding on to the precious, done fighting for the right, just done… God showed up and wouldn’t allow me to be done. He reminded me, I do not have to work so hard, I just have to be obedient and faithful to give Him all that gets in the way of that. My pastor said these words and they pierced something deep in my soul. God’s conviction, grace, love and peace, wrapped in a neat (Christ), but messy (me) package.
Loss… oh that word makes me crawl inside of myself, it makes me ache, cry and fight for sane thoughts and the next step. Be it cliff jumping, mountain climbing, or not being knocked flat by the next wave of grief. Oh how loss, steals pieces of my heart against my will, ravages a raw wound and lies to the depths of my soul. It is the place where I am found hanging on by my toenails and letting go for lack of strength, only to find out that Someone was there to catch me all along and that I will not drown. This is the becoming of the amazing grace of loss.
This is where my heart is wandering today. I have been composing myself, and walking on my own strength… again. But I know God is good no matter what. I am held by amazing grace, I could be an example of what it is to live in the amazing grace of loss. And though I have many moments of loneliness and isolation, I see love, I see community and I have experienced God’s grace and goodness, as demonstrated by the family of God.
I am on the edge of another cliff, or so it seems. Being a mom who refuses to be called a single mom, is harder than I could ever imagine. And I feel a disappointed eye on my ability to lead my home at times, perhaps it is my own eye. To lose the love of your life, is like starting over, and any skills I thought I had in my favor, prayer aside, are missing, dead or not valid anymore. As much as God is reworking my very soul, there is emptiness and wondering what I should be doing here. What in the world did God think when He allowed all this pain to enter our home. And yet, there is this amazing grace in my loss. I must jump from this ledge, and the thought of it is scary, but I always find Him there again catching me, with the arms of amazing grace in loss.