I wonder on days when the brain fog is thick and the heartache is overwhelming, if I have been abandoned. Webster’s defines abandoned as, “intentionally leaving someone or something behind.” These orphan thoughts are the means by which I could be catapulted into deep despair or become a desperate fighter.
God’s promises have been true for thousands of years. If I give myself a few moments of time to think, I can remember He’s never left me. He promises to protect and hold me close. But then why do I still become desperate and panic. The idea of being alone is frightening and can consume my heart and mind. Paralyzing me and leaving me unwilling to take any steps forward. I suppose I am thinking of this abandonment, because I am missing my beloved. It comes and goes, like the tides on the ocean. When under great pressure the waves are powerful enough to knock me flat. But then there are days the tide is gentle and memories are beautiful and welcome. Still, never are we abandoned, or alone.
Loss creates feelings that can deceive and catch us off guard. I know in my heart of hearts that God is close to my broken heart, but sometimes I just want the tangible someone, with “skin” and arms to hold. In other words I want my beloved best friend back. God knows this, and He sends, people into my life who stand in the gap. Nothing can replace what I once had, but God comforts the broken heart with the prayers and embraces of the saints here on earth and the ones in heaven bringing us before the throne of God.
Then there is the idea of healthy abandonment. An abandonment of fears, making orphans of reckless thoughts and despair, and the adoption of hope, peace, goodness and grace in their place. Abandon the crushing weight of lies like “you will never make it,” “you are alone,” “you cannot do it,” “God is cursing you,” and grab hold of “I can do all thinks through Christ who strengths me,” “His power is made perfect in my weaknesses,” “He is near to the broken-hearted,” and “perfect love casts out all fear.” Abandonment of the lies of the great enemy, has become my greatest peace.
Today, I realized I have not taken any time to look at the big picture of what it means to be a widow. There is no doubt I feel deeply cared for, but I believe there is more to that word, “widow.” Deeper in my heart I know it means I have the privilege of being a light on a path others will tread after me, just as others have been for me. This is a big responsibility, and though I do not have the capacity to fulfill it yet, I pray I will in God’s timing and with his grace.