It isn’t easy to understand shadows. This dark place where we can see light but are not feeling it. It often seems like a punishment or curse. Just close enough to know there is a light in the night and dark, but never able to touch it.
I wonder at this place. Why I must be here, why I have to experience this deep loss and why I must walk alone now. I think of the days I have still, parenting alone, seeing the girls grown up without a father and all the nights I will spend alone. This wondering place, really gets me down. And is certainly not a place I should dwell for long.
The shadow, it grows closer. And in a moment of deep sorrow, I realize something profound. As a little girl, I memorized the 23rd Psalm. “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear nothing.” I was pondering this remembrance, and it came gently to my heart and mind, death casts a shadow, but… so does God’s wing. And as my thoughts ran deeper, I thought too of that shadow I seemed to be in, this shadow is His wing, not preventing me from experiencing the light, but… protecting me with it. I am under His wing, in His shadow. Not a shadow of evil, but of His love. He knows my deepest sorrow and holds me close. He knows my longings and holds me in His peace. He knows my pain and holds me in faithful comfort.
So, I will walk under the shadow, knowing the light makes the shadow. Knowing I am safe and secure. God has not punished me, nor have I received a curse. I have been lovingly protected. I am not alone, ever, in parenting or the feelings of abandonment. I am… under the shadow of His care and love.